The first one.

First off let me say that I never wanted kids. Growing up I never babysat (my sister did it bceause she loved kids). I would practically leap out of the way if a small child was about to touch me by accident. Kids are dirty and slimy and smelly and needy. I'm number one in my life. At least, I was. Then I met Jacob.

That bastard. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I never wanted to have children because I assumed that I would never find someone to have children with. It wasn't because I had low self esteem or because I'm too picky. I'm neither. I thought that I was hot shit, but I never dated anyone that deep down I felt was someone I wanted to have kids with. That all changed two and a half years ago when I met my husband Jacob. We've been married for a little over a year and have been trying since September. I was on Depo for three months which is one dosage, one injection. After that I was on Loestrin (the pill) for three months. Before that I wasn't consistently on birth control. Anyway, it's been nine months and nothing has happened.

The reality is that I'm probably not ovulating yet which is retarded. My body is frustrating the crap out of me. What's worse is that I am stressed out about not getting pregnant and eating to make myself feel better. Let's see here.... Stress can delay pregnancy, and oh yeah, so can being fat. I also smoke. Not heavily. Nowhere near a pack a day. Still, it's gross and not helping my cause.

I started eating more consciously and spending more time outside getting some exercise. It is usually pretty relaxing. My job is probably a big reason I feel stressed. I don't want to get into it, but I really dislike my job. I just got promoted and have been given way more responsibility than I care to have along with the fact that I hate working for a big faceless corporation. Neither here nor there. Moving on....

I want to make a baby. I'm depressed because I've gained weight and don't feel very sexy these days which means I'm not having sex very often. You kind of have to have sex in order to get pregnant the natural way. I'm sure that my husband is bummed about the lack of sex. I know I want to have more, but I feel so unattractive these days.

Tomorrow is a new day, right? I need to quit smoking which means I need to pick a day to stop and actually stop this time. I've tried to quit several times because I know it isn't good for me or for the baby that will someday live inside of me.

This is kind of heavy for a first blog. Whatev.